Thursday, January 29, 2009

Conserving energy

Conserving energy is something I am quite good at. Not in the sense of being "green" -- I'm as wasteful as the average American in that regard. But in the sense of not putting a lof of effort into physical tasks, I do an excellent job of conserving energy. I used to watch TV lying down in my bed ot sofa, but now I have a recliner, which takes much less effort to get up out of. Should I ever be inclined to do so.

Anyway, at work today I received an email from our facilities management team, letting us know about new measures being implemented to reduce energy consumption. Most of them were pretty insignificant gestures (such as asking people to turn of desk lamps), but maybe it all adds up -- it is a big company. I was inspired to join in the spirit and came up with my own list of new policies my office could estabilsh to save evern more energy:

(1) Refrigerators will be turned on only between the hours of 11:00 AM and 1:00 PM, when most people are likely to have lunch. Also, the refrigerator thermostats will be set to a constant 85 degrees.
(2) Microwave ovens will be set to heat for no more than 25 seconds at a time, after which they will be disabled for 30 minutes. Timers will be set on the microwaves’ power outlets to allow operation only between the hours of 10:30-11:00 AM and 1:00-1:30 PM, to avoid using power at the same time as the refrigerators.
(3) All men’s work chairs, and those of women more than 25 pounds overweight, will be equipped with thermal capture devices to channel heat from captured gasses back into the heating system. During summer months these devices will also function as a heat sink to draw excess energy out of the buildings.
(4) Men and women with more than 25% hair loss will be seated near windows and connected to high capacity lithium batteries (via jumper cables attached to their ears) so the sunlight reflected off their heads can be captured as solar energy.
(5) All toilets will be equipped with new detectors and set to flush only in the presence of “#2”.
(6) Overhead and desk florescent lighting will be replaced with black lights, which use 50% less energy. The lights will also be disconnected from any electrical source to further conserve energy.
(7) Computer monitors will be replaced with cardboard cutouts with a pretty picture of rolling green hills and blue sky with light fluffy clouds.
(8) All electrical outlets will be filled in with a silicon-based sealant.
(9) The cafeteria will serve only raw meat.
(10) Summer office dress code now includes wearing nothing but thong underwear to work. However, obese persons choosing this option should also keep in mind that workplace violence policy extends to any permanent damage done to co-workers’ eyes and digestion.

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